Therapy

I just deposited my mom at the airport.  She is flying out to p/u my niece and bring her back here.  My niece will spend a week in OK w/ her grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins.  Woot!  She is six and a genius and I have not seen her in two years and miss her desperately (as do my parents) and can't wait for my kids to get to play with her.

Her mom (my ex sister in law... doesn't the ex sound terrible?  I wish there was a nicer term) gets a whole week kid free.  This has got me thinking about how I would spend a whole week kid free...

The hubs and I did everything on fast forward: we had our first date Sept of 05, we married May '06, O was born Oct '06 and Syd in Dec '07.  Y'all are smart, you can do the math.  I realize that we made the choices that led us to basically two years after our first date to having two kids under the age of two.  I am not whining or complaining or blaming or wishing it happened any other way.  I adore my hubs - in all honesty he is the best thing that ever happened to me.  Before I met the hubs I was on the rapid road toward self destruction and he brought me back to my senses.  He is smart and funny and he would walk through fire for me or the kids without one second of hesitation.  He has changed more diapers than I and when I had hemorrhoids in my final pregnancy stages went to walgreens at 1 am to get me cream.  He is an angel.  My children are blessings that make me laugh and cry daily.  They are charming and mischievous and smart and little darlings even when they are are unbelievably bad.  So don't get me wrong, with what I am about to write.

I am not envious of people without kids.  I don't feel sorry for them either.  I'm pretty indifferent.  I am jealous of people who got a year or five with their spouse before having kids.  The years to get to know own another and to go exotic vacations and make love at 2 pm on Saturday and go out to dinner w/o a screamy messy kid or to go see a movie at 11 pm b/c they feel like it.  The hubs and I never had that.  Again, our decision, our choices.  But we have never had a vacation together.  Sure we got a week in Eureka Springs, AR for our honeymoon, but I was five months preggers so long hikes or drinking binges were out.  We did five days in San Antonio when Owen was six months old...with Owen.  We did a long weekend in Dallas last year without the kids.  But no - let's go to NYC or take a cruise or ten days in Mexico or European getaway for us.  And the vacations we have planned anytime for the next 15 years or so will revolve around kid friendly things (which is how it should be).  We will be in our 40's when the kids go off to adulthood, still young enough to travel and go to the movies and enjoy life.  Maybe it will be better to do that stuff in our 40's.  Instead of a drunken debauchery filled trip we can go somewhere and enjoy the quiet and the culture. 

But right now, with two toddlers...two kids who are still learning their vocabulary and even though each day they seem to have a million more words and a 100% better understanding of concepts and emotions than the day before... they still struggle.  They still cry and scream and shit their pants and are so demanding (like hello, kids are).  And they are never still, not even when the sleep.  They are never quiet.  I don't want to break their spirit and I don't want to dampen their imagination.  But I do want them to be well behaved and not scream inside a library or push kids at the playground or to throw their food on the floor at a restaurant.  And sometimes that is a very fine line to walk.

And sometimes I just want some goddamn peace and quiet.  Sometimes I think two hours at the zoo should not make me want to scream or cry or stick my head in the oven.  Sometimes I want the hubs all to myself.  Even if it is just to take a nap or clean the kitchen without two kids wanting a  snack or to "help" us clean or to go out to dinner w/o having to cut up a baby's food or let the kids drink from my water cup and end up w/ backwash... and our extended fam is great about babysitting (thank god for them and I appreciate it so much)....and then the guilt sits in when I think instead of six hours of babysitting would six days be too much?  And then I think six days would be too long w/o my kids, I would miss them desperately.

And I feel so guilty like I am not a good enough mom b/c I don't want to be with them 24/7 and I like my job and going to work.  I feel like a piece of shit for wanting to have that alone time with my hubs.  And the peace and quiet. 

It is a never ending battle. That builds up so when I go to pay for the stuffed animals at the zoo gift shop and I accidentally spill my lemonade I burst into tears.

Please don't misunderstand.  I did not get married b/c I was pregnant.  I knew I had found my soul mate by the end our first date.  Please don't misunderstand that my unplanned pregnancies were unwanted.  They were very much wanted.  Please don't misunderstand that I don't love my kids.  I love them so much it hurts.

I just sometimes just wonder, what it would be like to have a week without them. 

I would probably collapse after day 3 and have to go home to get them for sheer desperation of missing their hot sticky little hands grabbing at me and their sweet little voices of "mommy, I want..."