Four years ago (actually four years and two months ago to be exact) I was engaged, entering my second trimester of my first pregnancy and set to be a bridesmaid in a good friends wedding.
It was a rainy April afternoon, mid day, middle of the week. I didn't have to work and I can't remember if it was because I had the day off or I called in sick or what but nonetheless I was at home. At the time the home was a two story townhouse apartment that I was staying at, though not on the lease. Technically, I still lived w/ my sis, but I spent most of my time at the hubs apartment (though he was basically just my baby daddy at the time...well and my soul mate, obviously.)
So, I was sort of just hanging out all hormonal and morning sickness-y and in my pj's. I had been working the over night shift so it was nothing for me to roll out of bed at 2 pm.
My wedding was about 5 weeks away and the wedding of a good girlfriend was a week away. We were set to be in each other's weddings. It was a strange friendship. We started out as enemies and then became frenemies and then real friends. Once we became friends it was a pretty strong friendship. The kind where you could crash at each other's houses unannounced and go on road trips and sing loudly (and off key for my part) to whatever was on the radio. We could finish each others sentences and when we heard/read/saw something that reminded is of the other we would immediately call/text/email one another. I adored her daughter and babysat for her when needed. We were both young and trying to find our place in the world and our own true love.
So, when a week before her wedding she told me about a "tiff" (that's the best way to describe it I guess - nothing earth shattering but still something) between her and her betrothed I asked her "are you sure you want to commit the rest of your life to him?"
Yeah, I know.
From her point of view (and her fiances) that was the worst thing I could possibly EVER say. It was mean and malicious. And just plain wrong.
From my point of view, it was out of love and concern. She was moving states to be with him. She was moving her child and quitting her job. I didn't want 6 months or 6 years down the road for her to be heartbroken and desolute. I wanted to be her friend and to ensure she knew what she was doing. (Of course, she did.)
I didn't ask her that question out of jealousy or spite or whatever silly, stupid emotion that women sometimes feel when they try to be petty and break up a couple. I was secure in my own engagement and job and impending birth. It was out of love. Misguided, but honestly and truly, out of genuine concern.
But it didn't matter. I still said it...OUT LOUD... and on that gray April day...
I experienced one of the worth break ups of my life. There were some phone calls and emails. Lots of tears. A roller coaster of emotion. Breaking up with a friend like that is way worse than breaking up with a boyfriend. (Okay, maybe not always but in this case it was.) I was disappointed. In her. In me. I literally felt our friendship crumbling.
There I was, alone, pregnant and thouroughly depressed. And the one thing, that my brain, some how decided would make everything OKAY... a banana snow cone.
But suddenly I wanted...nay...NEEDED a banana snow cone. RIGHT THAT MINUTE. If only I could taste the sweet coldness of a banana snow cone, somehow all this hurt would just simply melt away.
It is so odd that I decided on that. But once I determined I needed one, I was fixated on it. I was on a mission. TO heal my heart and satisfy this intense craving, the old thing that would do was this banana snow cone. Maybe there is some strange psychology out there, I don't know. It just WAS.
So, I got in my car and drove. I drove the entire OKC metropolitis. I drove for nearly two hours. Not a snow cone stand open. It was only April afterall.
So, I was left completely empty.
I went on to serve in her wedding, as it was too late to change anything. But it was awkward. She backed out of my wedding. We eventually made up. But it was never the same. For one, she lives a state away. We both have kids and jobs and it is hard to get away. But whenever she is in town she makes an effort to come see my kids. We are facebook friends, for whatever that's worth. And she is still married, quite contentedly, I might add. I went on to get married and have my babies and form other friendships.
But there are still times when I hear a song on the radio or hear a story on NPR and I think of her. And every time I eat a banana snow cone I think of that day.
Obviously, I'm eating a banana snow cone right now.
The Beginning in the End
3 weeks ago